Two years

Two years ago today I lived the worst day of my life. My worst fear was realized when I answered the door that morning and in mere moments I felt like my world crashed and burned around me. I've been trying to clean up the debris left by that tragic day, the day Chris died, ever since. What I've learned is that it will never be totally cleaned up. You can't tidy up grief. It never goes away. Life isn't neat like that. Life is messy, and sometimes ugly, and sometimes full of despair. Life hurts sometimes so profoundly you don't know if you'll survive the emotional pain. 

The other thing I've learned in these two years is that even though my life might be messy, that doesn't mean there is an absence of joy. Whenever and wherever there has been challenge, there has been the equal and opposite force of support showing up consistently through the people in my life. I choose to see this repeated offering of love and support as the hand of God at work in my life. He can't make my life tidy, but He compensates for the mess. As my dear mother always says, "Though much is taken, much abides." 

Today I must allow myself to feel the deep sadness of my profound loss. Even so, I am also able to feel so much gratitude. My children and I have come a long way in two years. I feel the sparks of joy in so many places now. I am so grateful for the person that Chris was and that I got to have him in my life. He has given me so many wonderful gifts. He gave me the gift of never having to wonder how he felt about me or our children. He gave me the gift of being a loving, adaptable partner who worked daily for my happiness. He lives in my head now. I so often know exactly what he would think or how he would feel about something. He gave me the gift of lifting me up so high that I can carry on and live without him being physically here. Though I will miss him until we meet again.