Two years

Two years ago today I lived the worst day of my life. My worst fear was realized when I answered the door that morning and in mere moments I felt like my world crashed and burned around me. I've been trying to clean up the debris left by that tragic day, the day Chris died, ever since. What I've learned is that it will never be totally cleaned up. You can't tidy up grief. It never goes away. Life isn't neat like that. Life is messy, and sometimes ugly, and sometimes full of despair. Life hurts sometimes so profoundly you don't know if you'll survive the emotional pain. 

The other thing I've learned in these two years is that even though my life might be messy, that doesn't mean there is an absence of joy. Whenever and wherever there has been challenge, there has been the equal and opposite force of support showing up consistently through the people in my life. I choose to see this repeated offering of love and support as the hand of God at work in my life. He can't make my life tidy, but He compensates for the mess. As my dear mother always says, "Though much is taken, much abides." 

Today I must allow myself to feel the deep sadness of my profound loss. Even so, I am also able to feel so much gratitude. My children and I have come a long way in two years. I feel the sparks of joy in so many places now. I am so grateful for the person that Chris was and that I got to have him in my life. He has given me so many wonderful gifts. He gave me the gift of never having to wonder how he felt about me or our children. He gave me the gift of being a loving, adaptable partner who worked daily for my happiness. He lives in my head now. I so often know exactly what he would think or how he would feel about something. He gave me the gift of lifting me up so high that I can carry on and live without him being physically here. Though I will miss him until we meet again. 

 

     Half a year now without you. Half a year you've been gone. This sad half-anniversary really has me thinking about halves. How half of me is gone without you.

    I always said, before I met you, that the healthiest relationships were a product of two whole, complete individuals coming together. That it was rather absurd to search the world looking for some ephemeral "other half." I tried my best to be a "whole" person on my own.

    I think we were both rather "whole" when we came together. We weren't trying to fill some void by being together. We were together because we wanted to be; because, even in our "wholeness" we were better together. But you know what? When we came together, part of me melded seamlessly into you. I think you'd appreciate the analogy that we were like two circles intersecting to form a Venn Diagram, the areas where our circles overlapped becoming the beautiful and inseparable "us." Only, when we were ripped apart, I didn't go back to being a whole circle again. The "us" part of me was torn away, leaving me with a void I can never totally fill. I'm like the sun, partially eclipsed by the moon, but the missing piece of me isn't just hidden, it's gone.

     So yes, today is a day of halves. I am like half a person, and yet I slowly dismantle the material parts of your life and allow the material parts of mine to encroach on your "half" of the space we shared together. I'm sure you would debate whether you ever actually occupied half of our space. I think a tear (or more) has been shed for every object of yours that has been moved or reverently stowed away. Nothing of yours has been given away or discarded. I suppose I feel as though getting rid of any of your things would tear more pieces out of my already wounded circle of self.

     I remember so many Sundays when you and your brothers would laugh and fill each other's glasses so full of water that the water level would actually be above the rim of the glass, failing to overflow only because of the surface tension holding it in place. I used to be like that glass of water. Full till nearly overflowing. Now I am but half a glass. All I can think is that you would want me to be a glass half full rather than half empty.

"FRAGMENT, I am a fragment of us. I am fragment composed
of fragments"

 Quote from Rebecca Lindenberg

Easter Twin-ventures!

     So we have a new baby. That's right. We now have three children. The youngest is a small green carebear named "Baby." To be more precise, Baby is actually Rose's, but the amount of time I spend looking after him makes it feel as though I actually have triplets. Rose has to sleep with him, bring him to meals, and basically tote him everywhere. This morning she woke me up yelling, "Uh oh Baby! Uh oh BABY!" I stumbled to her room bleary-eyed to discover that somehow Baby had taken an unfortunate tumble out of Rose's crib. I am somewhat suspicious of the circumstances by which a seven inch carebear could make it out of the crib on his own, but I try not to ask questions. Meanwhile, Lili has her blanket over her head, wishing her sister would let us all get more sleep. Although she appears to be a doting carebear mother, Rose has a surprising tendency to frequently lose Baby or leave him the the trunk of her tricycle. This results in Daddy and Mommy constantly looking for Baby or yelling back and forth, "Have you seen Baby?!" Baby is not the only thing that causes Rose constant anxiety. She recently discovered the moon and then shortly thereafter, noticed that there are times when the moon is not in the sky. Obviously, this is inconsistent and unnatural, so any time the moon is not visible, she grabs me by the hand and points to the sky saying, "Uh oh boon [moon]! Uh oh boon!" She also calls "lights" by the name "kites" and "feet" she calls "Sheet (I have a feeling this one might get us in trouble somehow)."

     Lili has her own names for certain things. She LOVES butterflies. She is a professional at spotting every single butterfly image in her environment. She started loving them before she could say hardly any words, so she started calling them "Guys." She points and starts exclaiming, "GUY! GUY!" any time she sees a butterfly. Lili also loves reading and numbers. Her favorite number is nine, though she has recently developed a fondness for eight as well. She gets excited when she can correctly identify a number. Lili loves playing outside and getting as dirty as possible. She is also great at helping out mom by holding the dustpan while I am sweeping. Lili was a maniac while Easter egg hunting! She knew exactly what to do and just ran around grabbing every egg she could find. It was like she was born to find random items of unknown ownership laying out in the open. Hopefully this is a skill we can put to real use someday.  The video link below is of the babies Easter egg hunting. I'm afraid I'm not a very great videographer, but at least it gives the idea of the fun we had. I'm pretty sure the adults present had more fun than the babies. 

    

 http://youtu.be/xPTXv7wiJIw

December 2014

     We have had a very lovely December. It has been so warm the babies and I have gone to the park several times. Most park trips last for about 10 minutes and then break down into mass chaos punctuated with weeping and wailing. Usually both babies are running in different directions (generally straight for the street) while I run in zig-zags after them yelling and flailing my arms. Seeing the vision yet? Once I catch Rose, she starts screaming bloody murder while an elderly lady walking her dog asks if we are ok and if we need help. I say, "No, we're fine thanks," while I am actually thinking, "Only heaven could help us now!!!" I recently made a solemn oath to never take the babies to the park by myself again. That lasted about a week and then I was back at it. :) Couldn't miss out on the great weather. 

     The babies have been dressing in style for the Christmas season (thanks yard sales!) and I love taking pictures of them all dressed up. Rose got sick on Christmas Eve, but still managed to have a fun holiday. The big present they received from Santa was a little slide. Lili went down over and over saying "Whee! Whee!" Rose's favorite gift was a My Little Pony doll with a little bottle. She has been carrying it around ever since. Pretty cute. We all enjoyed spending time with family and everyone was so thoughtful and generous to the babies. Thanks everyone for thinking of our girls! 

Baby Rose shares her feelings about wearing a baby leash.

Lili enjoys the park

Rose enjoys the park

Lili shows her feelings....

Lili enjoys Christmas decorations (with adult supervision of course) 

Lili and Rose after church

Lili self-soothes

Rose takes a break

Lili after church

Rose after church

Santa came!

Rose models her new hat from cousin Kate

Lili eats lunch at Nona and Grandpa's house

"Do I look pleased?" 

Lili with cousin Emily

Lili and Rose play with presents at Grandpa Bryson's house